 HOW TO GET YOUR SPOUSE TO CHANGE In your quest to fix your marriage, you may encounter resistance--from your spouse! Your spouse may dwell on the 101 reasons why "this just won't work for us" and blame you for every one. Or, your spouse may be emotionally "checked-out" of the marriage and not care about your efforts to improve the situation or be willing to extend any effort of their own. This is, by far, the most common question people ask me: "How do I get my spouse to change?" Why would your spouse resist POSITIVE change in your marriage and what should you do about it? Hi, I'm Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness. There's a deep-seeded belief in our culture that people resist change, no matter what. But is this true? Do people really want things to remain status quo? Do we really not want things to change? If you look closely at human nature, it's not change itself we resist; it's change that's IMPOSED UPON US. Think about it. We have no problem with change that WE INITIATE ourselves. But when we feel forced or manipulated to change, then we resist WITH ALL OUR MIGHT. Your spouse may not be willing to change for the sake of your marriage right now, but that’s not because your spouse doesn’t want a great marriage. Everyone wants a great marriage. It’s because if they’re going to change, they want the change to be THEIR IDEA!!!!!! I promise you; your spouse will decide to change when they’re ready to change and not one second before. And the more you push them, urge them, nudge them, ask them, scream at them, or beg them, the LESS LIKELY they are to change. I know it’s hard to wait, but you have to let it come from them. It’s possible someone could INSPIRE your spouse to change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the inspiration is YOU. It’s sad but true. A complete stranger is more likely to get through to your spouse than you are. A chance experience or encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse than anything YOU could do. Mary Ellen (name changed) came to me for marriage coaching. She knew she had to make changes and came to our sessions with a genuine interest to improve her marriage. She wanted Tom (her husband) to be part of the process, but he wasn’t willing to join her. She had been asking him to go with her to get help for over a year. But Tom consistently refused. I met with Mary Ellen twice and convinced her to back-off Tom and just let him be for a while. I counseled her to make some changes that created a more positive energy in their relationship. When the time was right, I suggested that Mary Ellen ask Tom is he would be willing to speak with ME for 10 minutes. Mary Ellen’s timing was good. Tom agreed. Within 7 minutes of my conversation with Tom he agreed to join Mary Ellen in the marriage coaching sessions. Why was I able to get Tom to agree to something in 7 minutes that Mary Ellen couldn’t get him to do in over a year? It’s true I know how to handle these situations, but there were 2 other important factors: 1. For the first time in over a year, Mary Ellen backed-off far enough so that Tom had the space to make his own choice. 2. The inspiration came from someone other than his wife. Your effort to change your spouse is probably COUNTERproductive. The chances are good that you’re "in the way." You need to get out of the way and create the space for your spouse to CHOOSE to change. That’s the only way it’ll ever happen. I can’t tell you how times a spouse will say to me that their husband/wife changed for a few days, but then returned to their old ways. That’s because they never really decided to change. They were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it didn’t stick. If you tell your spouse what to do; it's a challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it's a great idea. YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME FROM THEM. That's the only way it'll make a difference long term in your marriage. Now you're probably thinking, "Makes sense, but isn't there anything I can do to encourage my spouse's choice?" YES, there is! YOU CAN BE AN INSPIRING EXAMPLE and let your spouse see how the choices YOU'RE making impact how YOU feel about yourself and your marriage. Resist the urge to believe that your marriage won’t change until your spouse "gets with the program." The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your marriage than what your spouse does for it. We tend to think that the love in our marriage is in our spouse's hands. But it's not. Love is a verb. And if we do it--if we love--then we feel love. THE CHOICE IS OURS. Consider the love you feel for your children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Is it because they’re such angels? Of course not. The love you feel for your children is a result of what YOU DO FOR THEM. The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU DO too. Furthermore, there's no better way to inspire your spouse to make the choice to change than to make that choice yourself. It happens quite often that one spouse will register for the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp in the "Lone Ranger" track and then half way through the program they will switch to the "Duo" track which is designed for couples participating TOGETHER. What caused their spouse to change their mind? Simple. 2 things. First, they learned to create a space in their relationship for their spouse to make a choice to change. Second, they showed their spouse, through their EXAMPLE, how to make that choice and the impact it could have on their marriage. Very often one spouse will come to me for marriage coaching and ask if it makes sense for them to be coached alone. The answer, is ABSOLUTELY yes! One spouse can make more than a 50% difference in a marriage. And that difference is often exactly what will get the other spouse to open up to marriage coaching too. "You can lead me a mile, but you can’t push me an inch." So, bottom line...as Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see..." It's YOU changing that has the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU changing that is the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change. If you’re ready to learn what changes you need to make in your marriage and if you want to learn how to inspire your spouse to begin to make changes too, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report "7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" and get a FREE marriage assessment too. CLICK HERE to subscribe. It's FREE. Warm regards, Mort Fertel Author of Marriage Fitness Marriage Coach Add Comment The Husband and Wive's Store 11/26/2011
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: The Perfect FitFloor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. by Kathy Tarochione: Life Story Designer The following article is from Mort Fertel founder of the Marriage Fitness program. I am an affiliate of his programs, please know that you are not obligated to purchase anything...Mort's article are jam packed with great insight...for FREE! I highly recommend his work and programs. Many of my clients and forum members have received great results after workign with the Marriage Fitness program.  HOW TO GET YOUR SPOUSE TO HEAR YOU Recently I had a series of private phone sessions with a person who was very frustrated. Listen to how this person described their situation. I bet you’ll be able to relate to it. This person said they felt trapped in their basement trying to communicate with their spouse via Morse Code. They said they were banging on the pipes trying desperately to be heard. They would bang on the pipes and wait for a response. Bang and wait…bang and wait…bang and wait. But each time they finished banging, there was silence. No matter how hard they banged and no matter how long they waited; their spouse never heard them. Hi. My name is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness. Are you trying to get heard? Do you feel ignored? Is your spouse not responding to your communication? We live in an interesting time. With one click, you can communicate with anyone in the world. It’s easy, quick, and free. You even have options. If you don’t want to click, you could dial, beep, page, instant-message, or Fed Ex. It’s true. Your ability to communicate with the outside world has become increasingly easy. But my guess is that your ability to communicate with your spouse has become increasingly difficult. The reason for this is that most people confuse INFORMATION communication with PERSONAL communication. Technological advancements give us all sorts of options to communicate information. But how do you feel the pulse of someone’s soul? How do you communicate the subtleties in your heart? You can’t text message that. You can have the latest and greatest in communication gadgets, but it won’t matter. PERSONAL communication is a whole different ball game. And it’s PERSONAL communication that determines the success or failure of your marriage. I’m reminded of a scene from a Broadway play. A man and woman happen to meet on a train and engage in polite conversation. They were both headed home to You know what’s killing marriages these days? EMAIL! More and more I’m seeing husbands and wives resort to email to communicate with each other. You want to do something tangible TODAY to improve your marriage? STOP EMAILING YOUR SPOUSE! Email is for INFORMATION. But in a marriage you’ve got to HEAR each other. And I don’t mean hear the sounds of each other’s words. You’ve got to be able to hear the silence between the sounds and interpret the unspoken meaning of a pressed lips or teary eyes. You’ve got to be able to hear the shapes and sounds in each other’s heart. You can NOT accomplish this via email. And let me be clear about something; you can’t do it with communication techniques either. There’s no clinical communication therapy that can help you and your spouse think each other’s thoughts, feel each other joy, and cringe from each other’s pain. My 1-on-1 phone session schedule and the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp are filled with casualties from traditional communication strategies and the usual marriage counseling approach. If you’re like most people with marriage trouble, you’ve been down that path and you know that it does NOT work. Today my 4-year-old son came to me with a bruise on his leg. He wa I responded, “But it’s not bleeding.” He said again, “Daddy, can you put a band-aide on it?” I realized that my son’s perspective was that when something hurts a band-aide makes it better…even if it’s a bruise and not a cut. So what does this have to do with communication in a marriage? Because most people think that if spouses aren’t hearing each other that communication techniques will solve the problem. But that’s like putting a band-aide on a bruise. It’s the wrong solution. Communication technique How do you get back to the place where you and your spouse care again? This is one of the things that’s unique about the Marriage Fitness approach to repairing a relationship versus traditional counseling. Most approaches to marriage success preach communication skills. But communicating effectively will NOT create love in your marriage. In fact, the correlation is the opposite. Creating love in your marriage paves the way for effective communication. I’ll prove it to you. Think about when you fell in love. How was your communication? Good, right? In fact, when you’re in love, you communicate with the wink of an eye and you can finish each other’s sentences. And yet you haven’t known each other that long and you haven’t learned any communication techniques. Then, years later, after getting to know each other inside and out, employing psychologically tested and proven communication strategies, and taking into account all the differences between Mars and Venus, you can’t get through to each other. Listen carefully: Communication has very little to do with techniques or knowledge of each other. It has everything to do with the depth of connection between the communicators. The question you should be asking is NOT, “How do I communicate effectively with my spouse.” The question you should be asking is, “How do I connect with my spouse again?” Once you reconnect, you won’t be sitting in silence in the basement. You’ll hear the sound of the pipes from above. It’ll be your spouse. You were heard. If you want to learn how to connect with your spouse again, subscribe to my FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and get my FREE marriage assessment. CLICK HERE to subscribe. It’s FREE. Warm regards, Mort Fertel Author of Marriage Fitness Marriage Coach Crossing Over or Burning Bridges 11/02/2010
 I believe when you come to the conclusion that all you need is yourself and a relationship with God or a greater power...that is when the negativity suddenly falls away. When you feel this way you enter relationships differently and it doesn't quite matter if you enter in to them at all... YOU can make YOU happy, along with gratitude for children, home, health and the ability to wake up every morning... SIMPLICITY of life is the goal. When you feel this way no one can steal your love or your happiness... Joy.... PEACE is what rules and you meet the day with an attitude of welcoming whatever happens, instead of a FEAR that the world is out to get you. Please don't allow your EX or anyone to steal anything more from you... Resentment and negativity harms the vessel more than the one upon whom it is poured.... Forgiveness doesn't make them right...it makes YOU free! Forgive yourself and give yourself permission to Let Go and Let God! Cross over your life bridges...there is no need to burn them! PS ~ I have found when you come to this place of peace...the only "need" you will have is your relationship with God. It takes everyone off the hook in relation to you. But waiting for others to see it this way still keeps you on the hook with them in THEIR minds....the subtle difference is important. God loves things this way and celebrates it when you understand... finally! Women Who Cheat....Ask yourself this... 09/14/2010
 Stop running... Stop burying your head in the sand... Ask yourself some important questions... Is this all worth what I am risking? The door closes soon...and inside I will seal the fate of many relationships... ALL for one relationship...the flesh relationship of a mere man. Who do I give up for this man? Who am I turning my back on? My Husband. My Son. My Daughter. .My Mother. My Father. My Sisters and my Brothers... And their families .Many of my friends... My church family. Jesus... God!! ALL for one man.... A man that I have had an adulterous affair with... A man that my family...my children will NEVER accept... And most importantly... God will never accept because the relationship began in SIN. It is not a blessed union. Is what I am doing worth giving up all these people and the history I have with them?...the love and family that I have built and created over the years. Why am I wondering why they won't support me in what I doing to them...to MYSELF? I have betrayed them continually and then expected understanding... Kept secrets and then expected respect... Told lies and expected trust... Chose sin...adultery and expected them to accept the man and the home I am sinning with and in. They LOVE me but even those who love me will only allow so much hurt and damage or be able to watch me destroy myself...my life! They will not play a role in my sin or in my mistakes. I DO THIS to ME! The victims are those listed above.... I have FREELY chosen the life I am presently living. Stop. Think. NOT FEEL!!!! !What am I giving up by being with this man? Is it truly worth ALL that I am giving up? REALLY? Time is running out... I could stop this...now..do what is right and good. OR I could RUN and pretend that all I have done is right. Numbers 6:24-26 NEW Women in MLC Website 09/10/2010
Welcome to the NEW Women in MLC WEBSITE. I have been working primarily out of my forum at Lefora and Blogger, but now that this subject/topic and Niche is growing I believe I needed to be at one locality and branch off to the other forums and blogs that I have established. I hope to do more writing and blogging here and create a central location for those who are interested in finding out more about Women in Mid-life Crisis and Transition and all the many subcategories that are involved. Please feel free to contact me and make suggestions. Please comment and visit often. A.L. | Women in MLC
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