Women in Mid-Life Crisis - Women in MLC-The Blog

How to get Your Spouse to Change By Mort Fertel

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 19:49:03 -0500

HOW TO GET YOUR SPOUSE TO CHANGE

In your quest to fix your marriage, you may
encounter resistance--from your spouse!

Your spouse may dwell on the 101 reasons why "this
just won't work for us" and blame you for every
one.

Or, your spouse may be emotionally "checked-out"
of the marriage and not care about your efforts to
improve the situation or be willing to extend any
effort of their own.

This is, by far, the most common question people
ask me: "How do I get my spouse to change?"

Why would your spouse resist POSITIVE change in
your marriage and what should you do about it?

Hi, I'm Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

There's a deep-seeded belief in our culture that
people resist change, no matter what. But is this
true? Do people really want things to remain
status quo? Do we really not want things to
change? If you look closely at human nature, it's
not change itself we resist; it's change that's
IMPOSED UPON US.

Think about it. We have no problem with change
that WE INITIATE ourselves. But when we feel
forced or manipulated to change, then we resist
WITH ALL OUR MIGHT.

Your spouse may not be willing to change for the
sake of your marriage right now, but that’s not
because your spouse doesn’t want a great marriage.
Everyone wants a great marriage. It’s because if
they’re going to change, they want the change to
be THEIR IDEA!!!!!!

I promise you; your spouse will decide to change
when they’re ready to change and not one second
before. And the more you push them, urge them,
nudge them, ask them, scream at them, or beg them,
the LESS LIKELY they are to change. I know it’s
hard to wait, but you have to let it come from them.

It’s possible someone could INSPIRE your spouse to
change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the
inspiration is YOU. It’s sad but true. A complete
stranger is more likely to get through to your
spouse than you are. A chance experience or
encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse
than anything YOU could do.

Mary Ellen (name changed) came to me for marriage
coaching. She knew she had to make changes and
came to our sessions with a genuine interest to
improve her marriage. She wanted Tom (her husband)
to be part of the process, but he wasn’t willing
to join her. She had been asking him to go with
her to get help for over a year. But Tom
consistently refused.

I met with Mary Ellen twice and convinced her to
back-off Tom and just let him be for a while. I
counseled her to make some changes that created a
more positive energy in their relationship. When
the time was right, I suggested that Mary Ellen
ask Tom is he would be willing to speak with ME
for 10 minutes. Mary Ellen’s timing was good. Tom
agreed.

Within 7 minutes of my conversation with Tom he
agreed to join Mary Ellen in the marriage coaching
sessions.

Why was I able to get Tom to agree to something in
7 minutes that Mary Ellen couldn’t get him to do
in over a year? It’s true I know how to handle
these situations, but there were 2 other important
factors:

1. For the first time in over a year, Mary Ellen
backed-off far enough so that Tom had the space to
make his own choice.

2. The inspiration came from someone other than
his wife.

Your effort to change your spouse is probably
COUNTERproductive. The chances are good that
you’re "in the way." You need to get out of the
way and create the space for your spouse to CHOOSE
to change. That’s the only way it’ll ever happen.

I can’t tell you how times a spouse will say to me
that their husband/wife changed for a few days,
but then returned to their old ways. That’s
because they never really decided to change. They
were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it
didn’t stick.

If you tell your spouse what to do; it's a
challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it's a great
idea. YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME FROM THEM. That's
the only way it'll make a difference long term in
your marriage.

Now you're probably thinking, "Makes sense, but
isn't there anything I can do to encourage my
spouse's choice?" YES, there is! YOU CAN BE AN
INSPIRING EXAMPLE and let your spouse see how
the choices YOU'RE making impact how YOU feel
about yourself and your marriage.

Resist the urge to believe that your marriage
won’t change until your spouse "gets with the
program." The love YOU feel is much more a result
of what YOU DO for your marriage than what your
spouse does for it.

We tend to think that the love in our marriage is
in our spouse's hands. But it's not. Love is a
verb. And if we do it--if we love--then we feel
love. THE CHOICE IS OURS.

Consider the love you feel for your children. Is
it because of everything they do for you? Is it
because they’re such angels? Of course not. The
love you feel for your children is a result of
what YOU DO FOR THEM. The love you feel in your
marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.

Furthermore, there's no better way to inspire your
spouse to make the choice to change than to make
that choice yourself.

It happens quite often that one spouse will
register for the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp
in the "Lone Ranger" track and then half way
through the program they will switch to the "Duo"
track which is designed for couples participating
TOGETHER. What caused their spouse to change their
mind? Simple. 2 things. First, they learned to
create a space in their relationship for their
spouse to make a choice to change. Second, they
showed their spouse, through their EXAMPLE, how to
make that choice and the impact it could have on
their marriage.

Very often one spouse will come to me for marriage
coaching and ask if it makes sense for them to be
coached alone. The answer, is ABSOLUTELY yes! One
spouse can make more than a 50% difference in a
marriage. And that difference is often exactly what
will get the other spouse to open up to marriage
coaching too.

"You can lead me a mile, but you can’t push me an
inch."

So, bottom line...as Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must
be the change you wish to see..." It's YOU
changing that has the greatest impact on YOUR
EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU changing
that is the single most important thing you can do
to motivate your spouse to change.

If you’re ready to learn what changes you need to
make in your marriage and if you want to learn how
to inspire your spouse to begin to make changes
too, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report
"7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" and get a FREE
marriage assessment too. CLICK HERE to subscribe.
It's FREE.

Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

The Husband and Wive's Store

Sat, 26 Nov 2011 10:12:18 -0500

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

The Perfect FitFloor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

by Kathy Tarochione: Life Story Designer

From the Desk of Mort Fertel: How to Get Your Spouse to Hear You

Sat, 02 Apr 2011 10:30:43 -0500

The following article is from Mort Fertel founder of the Marriage Fitness program. I am an affiliate of his programs, please know that you are not obligated to purchase anything...Mort's article are jam packed with great insight...for FREE! I highly recommend his work and programs. Many of my clients and forum members have received great results after workign with the Marriage Fitness program.

HOW TO GET YOUR SPOUSE TO HEAR YOU

Recently I had a series of private phone sessions with a person who was very frustrated. Listen to how this person described their situation. I bet you’ll be able to relate to it.

This person said they felt trapped in their basement trying to communicate with their spouse via Morse Code. They said they were banging on the pipes trying desperately to be heard. They would bang on the pipes and wait for a response. Bang and wait…bang and wait…bang and wait. But each time they finished banging, there was silence. No matter how hard they banged and no matter how long they waited; their spouse never heard them.

Hi. My name is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

Are you trying to get heard? Do you feel ignored? Is your spouse not responding to your communication?

We live in an interesting time. With one click, you can communicate with anyone in the world. It’s easy, quick, and free. You even have options. If you don’t want to click, you could dial, beep, page, instant-message, or Fed Ex. It’s true. Your ability to communicate with the outside world has become increasingly easy. But my guess is that your ability to communicate with your spouse has become increasingly difficult.

The reason for this is that most people confuse INFORMATION communication with PERSONAL communication. Technological advancements give us all sorts of options to communicate information. But how do you feel the pulse of someone’s soul? How do you communicate the subtleties in your heart? You can’t text message that. You can have the latest and greatest in communication gadgets, but it won’t matter. PERSONAL communication is a whole different ball game. And it’s PERSONAL communication that determines the success or failure of your marriage.

I’m reminded of a scene from a Broadway play. A man and woman happen to meet on a train and engage in polite conversation. They were both headed home to New York after a day in New Haven, CT. After further discussion, they learned that they were going to the same building on Fifth Avenue. Lo and behold they discovered that they had the same daughter and lived in the same apartment. They finally discovered that they were husband and wife.

You know what’s killing marriages these days? EMAIL! More and more I’m seeing husbands and wives resort to email to communicate with each other. You want to do something tangible TODAY to improve your marriage? STOP EMAILING YOUR SPOUSE! Email is for INFORMATION. But in a marriage you’ve got to HEAR each other. And I don’t mean hear the sounds of each other’s words. You’ve got to be able to hear the silence between the sounds and interpret the unspoken meaning of a pressed lips or teary eyes. You’ve got to be able to hear the shapes and sounds in each other’s heart. You can NOT accomplish this via email.

And let me be clear about something; you can’t do it with communication techniques either. There’s no clinical communication therapy that can help you and your spouse think each other’s thoughts, feel each other joy, and cringe from each other’s pain. My 1-on-1 phone session schedule and the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp are filled with casualties from traditional communication strategies and the usual marriage counseling approach. If you’re like most people with marriage trouble, you’ve been down that path and you know that it does NOT work.

Today my 4-year-old son came to me with a bruise on his leg. He was crying and I could see that it was black and blue. He said, “Daddy, I need a band-aide.”

I responded, “But it’s not bleeding.”

He said again, “Daddy, can you put a band-aide on it?”

I realized that my son’s perspective was that when something hurts a band-aide makes it better…even if it’s a bruise and not a cut.

So what does this have to do with communication in a marriage? Because most people think that if spouses aren’t hearing each other that communication techniques will solve the problem. But that’s like putting a band-aide on a bruise. It’s the wrong solution.

Communication techniques can help colleagues transmit INFORMATION clearly. Communication techniques belong in seminars that teach negotiation and sales. But you’re not trying to complete a transaction with your spouse; you’re trying to renew a relationship. I can almost guarantee you that your problem is not clarity; it’s concern. Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.

How do you get back to the place where you and your spouse care again?

This is one of the things that’s unique about the Marriage Fitness approach to repairing a relationship versus traditional counseling. Most approaches to marriage success preach communication skills. But communicating effectively will NOT create love in your marriage. In fact, the correlation is the opposite. Creating love in your marriage paves the way for effective communication. I’ll prove it to you.

Think about when you fell in love. How was your communication? Good, right? In fact, when you’re in love, you communicate with the wink of an eye and you can finish each other’s sentences. And yet you haven’t known each other that long and you haven’t learned any communication techniques.

Then, years later, after getting to know each other inside and out, employing psychologically tested and proven communication strategies, and taking into account all the differences between Mars and Venus, you can’t get through to each other.

Listen carefully: Communication has very little to do with techniques or knowledge of each other. It has everything to do with the depth of connection between the communicators.

The question you should be asking is NOT, “How do I communicate effectively with my spouse.” The question you should be asking is, “How do I connect with my spouse again?” Once you reconnect, you won’t be sitting in silence in the basement. You’ll hear the sound of the pipes from above. It’ll be your spouse. You were heard.

If you want to learn how to connect with your spouse again, subscribe to my FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and get my FREE marriage assessment. CLICK HERE to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Warm regards,

Mort Fertel

Author of Marriage Fitness

Marriage Coach

Sisterhood of Beautiful Warriors Blog Talk Radio Show - Guest Amy L Harden on Women in MLC

Tue, 14 Dec 2010 18:16:40 -0500

Here is my interview on Women in MLC at Christian Women Affiliates and Sisterhood of Beautiful Warriors. Lucy Ann Moll was the host and led us through a most powerful 50 minute interview on Women in MLC , along with a look at my own Mid-Life Journey...Check it Out!

Listen to internet radio with CWA Radio on Blog Talk Radio

Riding the Wave of Change

Tue, 14 Dec 2010 10:13:32 -0500

I find the hardest thing I have had to deal with during my life...whether it was back in my MLC season or now is my realization that as much as I or other people say they like change or want it...or even know that it is a constant...human beings don't like change at all...we actually prefer our comfort zones where there is no change and the constant IS the fact that it stays the same. We struggle most when we resist change even more than we normally do AND as we get older we tend to resist it more and more because it is the reality of life that we TRULY DO NOT have control over our lives.

Life...death...comings and goings...happiness and sadness, love and hate are going to happen! It is a part of the Mid-life journey that makes us learn to appreciate what we have already and learn to be grateful for it....it moves us from the season of learning and making mistakes into a season of wisdom and gratitude.

Those who fight it...resist it...put their heads in the sand...go in to denial or try to recreate their past...They are only delaying the inevitable...despite the resistance and the hard work to maintain normal...the change is occurring...it IS a constant....it is the lesson of acceptance....OR learning how to swim with the riptide instead of fighting it ...or even better...learning how to surf the waves of life, instead of letting them knock us down.

I have gotten tired of letting them knock me down. I am exhausted from fighting the riptide. I have decided to learn how to surf the waves instead...

How about you?!!

Sorry...I got a bit philosophical there...I have been dealing with change, resisting and allowing it lately also...my oldest left to start her life in a new job in Wilmington, NC...both she and I were fighting it...but whether we liked it or not, life kept coming...she is there, and enjoying it after a few rough starts...I am learning to surf this wave...I pray that she is too! I would hate for her not to learn from her stubborn old mother and have to learn this lesson at 50.

PS - I have also learned that Letting go and just being an observer of the wave is a good thing too...but that is another blog post for another day

Crossing Over or Burning Bridges

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 10:13:05 -0500

I believe when you come to the conclusion that all you need is yourself and a relationship with God or a greater power...that is when the negativity suddenly falls away.

When you feel this way you enter relationships differently and it doesn't quite matter if you enter in to them at all...

YOU can make YOU happy, along with gratitude for children, home, health and the ability to wake up every morning...

SIMPLICITY of life is the goal.

When you feel this way no one can steal your love or your happiness...

Joy....

PEACE is what rules and you meet the day with an attitude of welcoming whatever happens, instead of a FEAR that the world is out to get you.

Please don't allow your EX or anyone to steal anything more from you...

Resentment and negativity harms the vessel more than the one upon whom it is poured....

Forgiveness doesn't make them right...it makes YOU free!

Forgive yourself and give yourself permission to Let Go and Let God!

Cross over your life bridges...there is no need to burn them!

PS ~ I have found when you come to this place of peace...the only "need" you will have is your relationship with God. It takes everyone off the hook in relation to you. But waiting for others to see it this way still keeps you on the hook with them in THEIR minds....the subtle difference is important.

God loves things this way and celebrates it when you understand... finally!

Mothers...Having One and Being One

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 12:04:42 -0500

Mom. Katie and I in October 1988 in Saratoga.

The other morning I was sitting at my computer, as always, writing away at my blogs and other websites, when my middle daughter, Sally came in to my office visibly shaken and upset. She came straight over to me and gave me the biggest hug...long and hard...one like she never wanted to let go. As I pulled away from her, I saw that she was still upset and asked why. She fell in to my arms again and through tears said she had had a dream that I had died suddenly...that it was so REAL and she woke up with a start, upset that she had to find me to make sure I was okay.

In that moment, I was transported back to the many times that I had had those same dreams about my own mother. I would dream that she had died and I was lost and couldn't find her. I would wake out of pure panic and upset running to find my mother to make sure she was okay. She would hug me and tell me that she was okay and still here, dismissing the dream as just that...unreal and not worth the drama I was displaying. She DID give hugs and kisses, but until the other day I didn't realize that through my reaction to my bad dream I had actually told my mother something very important.

I believe it is the one fear most children have...the death of their parents. For my darling Sally, she was the first of my children to let me know they have had these dreams and as scary as it was for her....it touched me deeply that even in her sleep she is concerned for my welfare and loves me that much. My girl, Sally is most like me in the sensitivity department ...my youngest Maggie runs a close second.

After sitting with her for a bit and reassuring her that I would probably end up living a long life...become a grumpy old woman just like my own mother just to spite all my children and just like my own mother told her..."It was just a dream."

At about the same time of Sally's dream, I also became connected to my own struggle with my relationship with my mother, who would have been 90 years olds on October 8th of this year. I had thought that I had laid these issues with my mother to rest when she pasted a few years ago, but here they were again raising their heads again after reading Francine Rivers newest book series "Her Mother's Hope" and "Her Daughter's Dream"

Yes, I have always struggled with this relationship, as have my sister and brother. My mother's personality was like one that had gained a reputation for all the Porter women...stubborn, inflexible, grudge-bearing, critical and pessimistic. Even her sisters were afflicted, while running strong in us, the children would swear that they would NOT carry on the tradition. I am unsure where it exactly comes from as I never knew my Grandmother, but always assumed it was derived from the stiff -upper lip British side of my Grandfather and his ancestors....plus a more stubborn man on this earth you would have never met.

My father fought this stubborn streak in my mother their whole married life, trying to keep her more to the middle than being pulled in to the Black Hole of the Porter Pessimistic Perspective of life...dim, preparing for disaster or disappointment, she tended to only see the worst in situations. My own husband was debriefed on how strong this Porter pessimism runs in the family. The force is indeed strong and my siblings and I had and have been fighting it most of our lives. Our children have been duly warned that they too are prone to Porter Pessimism. We have all admitted out loud that we would "NEVER want to be like our mother"! Sadly, I believe we have all naturally leaned that way without even knowing that we were...yes, indeed the Porter Force is strong. In fact,so strong that we have to really struggle to think of positive aspects of our mother which is proof that we all are keeping the legacy alive and well.

So with this recent event with my daughter Sally, I chose to write down some of the positive aspects of my mother in celebration of her upcoming 90th birthday!

Please tune in tomorrow...

Women Who Cheat....Ask yourself this...

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 11:03:08 -0500

Stop running...
Stop burying your head in the sand...
Ask yourself some important questions...

Is this all worth what I am risking?

The door closes soon...and inside I will seal the fate of many relationships...
ALL for one relationship...the flesh relationship of a mere man.

Who do I give up for this man?

Who am I turning my back on?

My Husband.

My Son.

My Daughter.

.My Mother.

My Father.

My Sisters and my Brothers...

And their families

.Many of my friends...

My church family.

Jesus...

God!!

ALL for one man....

A man that I have had an adulterous affair with...

A man that my family...my children will NEVER accept...

And most importantly...

God will never accept because the relationship began in SIN.

It is not a blessed union.

Is what I am doing worth giving up all these people and the history I have with them?...the love and family that I have built and created over the years.

Why am I wondering why they won't support me in what I doing to them...to MYSELF?

I have betrayed them continually and then expected understanding...

Kept secrets and then expected respect...

Told lies and expected trust...

Chose sin...adultery and expected them to accept the man and the home I am sinning with and in.

They LOVE me but even those who love me will only allow so much hurt and damage or be able to watch me destroy myself...my life!

They will not play a role in my sin or in my mistakes.

I DO THIS to ME!

The victims are those listed above....

I have FREELY chosen the life I am presently living.

Stop.

Think.

NOT FEEL!!!!

!What am I giving up by being with this man?

Is it truly worth ALL that I am giving up?

REALLY?

Time is running out...

I could stop this...now..do what is right and good.

OR

I could RUN and pretend that all I have done is right.

Numbers 6:24-26

NEW Women in MLC Website

Fri, 10 Sep 2010 00:15:33 -0500

Welcome to the NEW Women in MLC WEBSITE.

I have been working primarily out of my forum at Lefora and Blogger, but now that this subject/topic and Niche is growing I believe I needed to be at one locality and branch off to the other forums and blogs that I have established.

I hope to do more writing and blogging here and create a central location for those who are interested in finding out more about Women in Mid-life Crisis and Transition and all the many subcategories that are involved.

Please feel free to contact me and make suggestions. Please comment and visit often.

A.L.