The following article was posted at the Women in MLC Forum by a long time member and is probably the best testimony to what our mission and goal is at the forum. Thank you ODAAT for sharing and being so candid. Please read the comments and responses that followed after this post. Women in MLC Forum
I don’t post on this forum nor PP (both of which I found about 18 months ago) that much anymore. It’s really hard seeing my story played out time and time again with new guys as they find their way to these sites and start asking the same questions, questions that have no answers, no solutions….no fixes.
But thank god for these forums, the stellar advice and support from people like Shep and the vets that have walked the walk, saved my sanity and helped me to get some perspective and learn that what is happening to me and my family was NOT about me or my marriage. Sometimes and quite rightly so, some of these threads go off on tangents and the point gets lost in the dialogue. As I say, that is fine, it is good to explore and consider other opinions. But, sometimes I wonder if we (and I'm talking about the LBS (guys) here)) forget the true purpose of these forums that the end goal, the true objective ... is to get to the other side:
….To get to the other side with your sanity, health, finances and family in tact....with or without your wife.
I was prompted to say this because a recent post really got my back up. The topic of abuse came up and Shep, bless her, came to the immediate defense of the guys on here. Now like I said, every discussion point has its place and in the BIG picture of marital breakdown there are of course situations where abuse is a serious topic and one which needs as much support as possible given to the abused partner whether its physical or emotional. But is that what's really what’s going here with the people on this forum...NO! Absolutely not!
The guys here are the abused party and so are the kids. But like Shep said, we are a different kind. Many of us have stepped up and not only had to deal with the betrayal of our wife’s, the emotional abuse, and the attack on our pride our ego and our self esteem. We have had mountains to climb! Some of us have 100% care of our kids, we have to maintain the house and hold down our jobs. We have to do this whilst we struggle to make sense of what the hell happened to us. We get to a point where we realize that whilst everything is falling apart around us (including us) we have to stand up, hold our heads high and try to maintain our dignity, our self respect…our pride! Most of all we have to keep our kids away from the storm and protect them and help them to deal with the destruction their mother has caused. In my case three teenage boys, all three are reacting differently, all three have their own problems and all three have had their family torn apart, their safe and stable upbringing thrown up in the air all because of what? There is that question again?
What and Why?
What and Why doesn’t matter, not any more! Why? Because it just doesn’t matter...All that matters is your family, hold that together and you have won. You have survived your wife’s MLC, you have saved your family and all of a sudden the other side is in sight. The other side comes with a whole load of new problems, a future to face, a life that is so unfamiliar. But you can stand there, look it in the face, embrace it and all of a sudden you are not looking back anymore. There is a future for you…a scary one, but exciting at the same time.
Last Monday was my eldest sons 18th Birthday. The Friday before his mum took him shopping and bought him some clothes. On Saturday I hosted a party at my house for him and his friends ... 40 17/18 year olds. Yep, the house was a mess the next day. But it was so good to see my boy with all his mates, many of whom i have known since they were knee high to a grasshopper. Best bit, I was included, welcomed by the lot of them, and my boy wanted it no other way.
Monday came and I took him down the local pub to buy him his first beer before heading home to cook up a meal for him and all my family ... four generations including my 95 year old Nan. What a night??? My gift to him was a photo collage that I put together. 150 photos scanned in of his first 18 years printed onto a canvass and framed. Not a dry eye in the house when it was presented and my Nan was the first to break down. She never cries and when I asked if she was ok she just said I'm so proud of you son ... priceless! My pride, self esteem and ego restored by a 95 year old lady. She then said, all you need is your boys right now...no matter what you might want, they are all you need and they need you. Your time will come I promise you?
That blew me away!
Next day I found out from my X that on the night of my sons 18th birthday she had spent the night in her OM's house all on her own. He had gone out for the night...what a star! She said to me she cried all night and all she could hear was the sound of my boy’s voice when he was a nipper. She said - this just keeps getting harder and harder.
Funny that??? For me it just keeps getting easier (still hard, but definitely easier).
That leads me to my final paragraph. I have been divorced for 12 months now but the financial settlement hasn’t been finalized. This week I got the green light on the last stumbling block - the mortgage. My mortgage company has at last agreed to send out the paperwork to transfer the deeds into my name. The end is in sight. I have 100% custody of my lovely boys, I have my 5 bed house, my dog, my car, my pension and all my business assets. Sure i take on all the debts but I’d have had them anyway.
She gets from me £15K (roughly $25K) and she has to repay £5K of that to her sister for money she borrowed last year. She is totally dependant on OM for a roof over her head (she doesn’t earn enough to even rent a one bed flat) , she has no car ( has to use his run down crashed up 6 year old Audi) so is dependant on him to let her use the car to come see the kids (who could care less). She has no pension, no inheritance chain, ZIP.
Worst of all she has lost the respect of her friends, her close knit (now falling apart) family. She has lost her best friend in me and her boys, the history, the memories that go with that. She has a man who IS a player. She thinks she can change him. This is a man who was sleeping with three women during his affair with my X, one of whom was married.
I could go on.
But he is worth it ... She loves him, they are soul mates.
So! To summarize guys! Life on the other side as it starts again........LOOKS PRETTY GOOD. Not easy, scary of course, but I have everything I need and want.
One day I’ll share that with another woman ... maybe / maybe not…
I hope that reading this helps someone? LBS or MLC woman, to understand where this goes…if it was good it can be good again. The grass CAN be greener....but for sure...it ain’t on the other side of the fence...it’s the grass you’re already stood in.
Good luck you all
Please visit the forum to read the thread and other insightful responses to what ODAAT wrote here...there is HOPE in what he is saying.
Women in MLC Forum