Left Behind Spouse's (LBS) Question:
"Sometimes I feel like I'm the one going through the MLC. It sucks - It affects everyone, everything , and everywhere it comes close too. Why us? The MLC'ers and the LBS's are we the chosen ones?
Please God - next time please choose someone else - We don't like this ride."
You know what, LBS...you may be going through your own MLC now also....not that you chose to do so!
I believe, because I have seen it repeatedly, that the force of the woman's MLC thrusts the man in to his own MLC. How could it not?
MLC is a disruption of the mind, body and spirit...making you question it all and for the men FORCING them to go through CHANGE that they haven't chosen to do or even want to go through. In fact, most men are going in to their "change" kicking and screaming because they are settled and finally feeling like they have hit a stride with their families and for some they see retirement and a life where they can focus on their wife without worrying about children and hopefully not worry about money.
The shock of the CHANGE...worry, testing, questioning, discovering secrets, betrayal and the exhaustive quest of trying to save something that may not be savable...attacks the body PLUS all the questioning of your own self, what you believed to be true about your life and marriage, along with breaking habits and detaching that goes against what is normal will cause a person to be thrust in to their own MLC.
A woman's MLC will thrust her husband out of his comfort zone AND what his Male Brain tells him is right/good and must be done to keep his environment and his family safe. It goes against everything he has ever done, seen others do or has been raised and trained to do and act.
Christian author and Bible Study Leader, Beth Moore , speaks to this in her book called "Get Out of That Pit". She speaks to how a person can find themselves in the Pit...
- "When you are thrown in the pit."
- "When you slip in to the pit."
- "When you jump in to the pit."
I believe, the LBS husband and children of the MLC Women are thrown in to the Pit...BUT...it is their job not to allow themselves to slip back into the Pit or then purposefully Jump back in and join her after climbing back out after getting control of their situation.
I highly recommend her book. Please don't be put off by it thinking that it is only written for women, because it isn't....Beth has a strong faith and speaks to all people and her scriptural guidance on how to get out of the Pit and stay out is powerful.
Her book was one of many that moved me ahead in my journey out of MLC, as I also believe that both the women in MLC and those affected by it can be depressed and suffering from long unattended issues that quietly fester in the bottom of the life living in a "Pit".
I found it very interesting that I used to always talk about living in the Pit...started calling it "Pit Dwelling" and even joked how I had already decorated and even redecorated my pit, which in so many words said, I had chosen to live in the pit....but then I would want out and struggle and slip back in and become more depressed. Finally, when my MLC was full blown, I ran and jumped smack dab in the middle of the Pit. I landed broken and begging for help, then listen to God's voice, doing the work to climb up and out AND living according to my faith and what was right for my marriage and children...PLUS add in a great Christian counselor...I was lifted out and will never allow myself to go back again!!
So, your feelings that you are going through your own MLC now is exactly right...you are indeed going through your own...not because you chose it...but because her actions have forced you do so!
USE IT to grow and become a better man and father to your children!!
This is how God takes what the evil one has wanted to steal from you, in to something for good for YOU.
It may not feel that way now...it is a refining fire....God has placed you on the Potter's wheel and is molding you yet again. Fighting His hands will only make it hurt more...leaning in to His hands and allowing the molding to happen is what He wants for you so He can give you the blessings that you deserve and want.(which may not include your XW)
The thing is...what He wants for you may not be what you have thought all along...it can be so much better! There is always a reason for why He has chosen you to go through this...Life Lessons that must be learned...Remember He doesn't want you on HER ride...He wants you on His ride...the one where He will bless you in the end. God doesn't have a roller coaster....He has a narrow path to walk...and along the walk you must choose to listen, learn and grow in to what He wants for you. The bad things happen because we fight His hands and His ways...step away from her MLC, detach and listen for His voice...then you will stop feeling so tortured.
If you need encouragement, guidance or just friendship in a community that understands what you are going through, please join us at Women in MLC Forum and consider joining the Silver Membership for more help and guidance.