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Q & A: Am I also going through MLC?

07/21/2012

Recently at our Forum called Women in MLC a member of the SIlver Membership asked this question:

Left Behind Spouse's (LBS) Question:

"Sometimes I feel like I'm the one going through the MLC. It sucks - It affects everyone, everything , and everywhere it comes close too. Why us? The MLC'ers and the LBS's are we the chosen ones?
Please God - next time please choose someone else - We don't like this ride."

My Response:

You know what, LBS...you may be going through your own MLC now also....not that you chose to do so!

I believe, because I have seen it repeatedly, that the force of the woman's MLC thrusts the man in to his own MLC. How could it not?

MLC is a disruption of the mind, body and spirit...making you question it all and for the men FORCING them to go through CHANGE that they haven't chosen to do or even want to go through. In fact, most men are going in to their "change" kicking and screaming because they are settled and finally feeling like they have hit a stride with their families and for some they see retirement and a life where they can focus on their wife without worrying about children and hopefully not worry about money.

The shock of the CHANGE...worry, testing, questioning, discovering secrets, betrayal and the exhaustive quest of trying to save something that may not be savable...attacks the body PLUS all the questioning of your own self, what you believed to be true about your life and marriage, along with breaking habits and detaching that goes against what is normal will cause a person to be thrust in to their own MLC.

A woman's MLC will thrust her husband out of his comfort zone AND what his Male Brain tells him is right/good and must be done to keep his environment and his family safe. It goes against everything he has ever done, seen others do or has been raised and trained to do and act.

Christian author and Bible Study Leader, Beth Moore , speaks to this in her book called "Get Out of That Pit". She speaks to how a person can find themselves in the Pit...

"When you are thrown in the pit."
"When you slip in to the pit."
"When you jump in to the pit."

I believe, the LBS husband and children of the MLC Women are thrown in to the Pit...BUT...it is their job not to allow themselves to slip back into the Pit or then purposefully Jump back in and join her after climbing back out after getting control of their situation.

I highly recommend her book. Please don't be put off by it thinking that it is only written for women, because it isn't....Beth has a strong faith and speaks to all people and her scriptural guidance on how to get out of the Pit and stay out is powerful.

Her book was one of many that moved me ahead in my journey out of MLC, as I also believe that both the women in MLC and those affected by it can be depressed and suffering from long unattended issues that quietly fester in the bottom of the life living in a "Pit".

I found it very interesting that I used to always talk about living in the Pit...started calling it "Pit Dwelling" and even joked how I had already decorated and even redecorated my pit, which in so many words said, I had chosen to live in the pit....but then I would want out and struggle and slip back in and become more depressed. Finally, when my MLC was full blown, I ran and jumped smack dab in the middle of the Pit. I landed broken and begging for help, then listen to God's voice, doing the work to climb up and out AND living according to my faith and what was right for my marriage and children...PLUS add in a great Christian counselor...I was lifted out and will never allow myself to go back again!!

So, your feelings that you are going through your own MLC now is exactly right...you are indeed going through your own...not because you chose it...but because her actions have forced you do so!

USE IT to grow and become a better man and father to your children!!

This is how God takes what the evil one has wanted to steal from you, in to something for good for YOU.

It may not feel that way now...it is a refining fire....God has placed you on the Potter's wheel and is molding you yet again. Fighting His hands will only make it hurt more...leaning in to His hands and allowing the molding to happen is what He wants for you so He can give you the blessings that you deserve and want.(which may not include your XW)

The thing is...what He wants for you may not be what you have thought all along...it can be so much better! There is always a reason for why He has chosen you to go through this...Life Lessons that must be learned...Remember He doesn't want you on HER ride...He wants you on His ride...the one where He will bless you in the end. God doesn't have a roller coaster....He has a narrow path to walk...and along the walk you must choose to listen, learn and grow in to what He wants for you. The bad things happen because we fight His hands and His ways...step away from her MLC, detach and listen for His voice...then you will stop feeling so tortured.

If you need encouragement, guidance or just friendship in a community that understands what you are going through, please join us at Women in MLC Forum and consider joining the Silver Membership for more help and guidance.

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Marriage Fitness: How Do You Know When to Call It Quits?

08/12/2011

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HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO CALL IT QUITS?

One of the questions I'm most frequently asked is, “How do you know when it's time to quit?”

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness, and in terms of when to give up on your marriage, here's what I recommend.

If divorcing is a consideration for you from a moral perspective, then before you go that route, try first for at least one year.

Did you hear that?

Try for at least one year!

And I mean REALLY try. You can always call it quits. You always have that option. But once you pull that trigger, it's over. No more chances. Your life will never be the same. Do you have kids? If you do, their life will never be the same.

If you end your marriage, you don't want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind. You don't ever want to look back and wonder if things could have been different. You don't want to ask yourself, “What if this…and what if that…what if I tried this…what if I did that?”

If you have to end your marriage, you want to know DEEP IN YOUR HEART that you did everything you could to make it work.

If you have to end it, you want to be able to move on with your life and into another relationship with a clear head. You want to come to a place of healthy “completion.” THIS IS CRUCIAL! And to accomplish this, in my experience, it takes at least one year. I know it probably seems like a long time, but it's an investment in the rest of your life.

Here's the key point. Listen carefully. It's a good investment for the rest of your life WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS OR NOT. Obviously, it's a good investment if you turn your marriage around. But if you don't, it will NOT have been a wasted year. It will have been the most important thing you could have done with that year because of how your effort will impact the rest of your life AND YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP.

I have seen too many cases of spouses ending their marriage prematurely, and as result of not reaching “completion” in one relationship, they find themselves in the same situation a few years later with someone else.

The work I do with marriage coaching clients sometimes turns out to be more beneficial for them in their next relationship than in their current one.

I remember once when the marriage of someone who registered for the Lone Ranger track of the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp ended in the middle of the program. This man asked me if he should continue with the final 3 weeks of the program. I said, “Absolutely.”

He responded, “Why? What's the point? My marriage is over.”

“You're not doing it for this marriage,” I explained. “You're doing it for the benefit of your next one.”

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your intention while you're working on your marriage should be for the benefit of your life after your marriage. Your intention needs to be to restore your CURRENT relationship. But if you fail, your effort will NOT have been for naught.

Bottom line is this. If you're asking, “When is it time to call it quits?” The answer is: one year after you think you're done. If after one year of trying everything in your power to make your marriage work you're still miserable, then you should consider moving on. Until then, hang in there and don't give up.

This topic reminds me of my situation many years ago. I remember learning late one night that my wife had an appointment with a divorce attorney the next morning. We were hours from “done.” Who would have ever thought that we could turn things around at that point?

It's NEVER too late! In fact (and here's real food for thought), very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom. Sometimes it's not until things couldn't get worse that they can get better.

I wish you and your spouse the best. If you’d like further information to help with your marriage, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report "7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, go here: Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness It’s FREE.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

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Life on the Other side of the MLC Storm

12/02/2010

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After the Storm

The following article was posted at the Women in MLC Forum by a long time member and is probably the best testimony to what our mission and goal is at the forum. Thank you ODAAT for sharing and being so candid. Please read the comments and responses that followed after this post. Women in MLC Forum

I don’t post on this forum nor PP (both of which I found about 18 months ago) that much anymore. It’s really hard seeing my story played out time and time again with new guys as they find their way to these sites and start asking the same questions, questions that have no answers, no solutions….no fixes.

But thank god for these forums, the stellar advice and support from people like Shep and the vets that have walked the walk, saved my sanity and helped me to get some perspective and learn that what is happening to me and my family was NOT about me or my marriage. Sometimes and quite rightly so, some of these threads go off on tangents and the point gets lost in the dialogue. As I say, that is fine, it is good to explore and consider other opinions. But, sometimes I wonder if we (and I'm talking about the LBS (guys) here)) forget the true purpose of these forums that the end goal, the true objective ... is to get to the other side:

….To get to the other side with your sanity, health, finances and family in tact....with or without your wife.

   I was prompted to say this because a recent post really got my back up. The topic of abuse came up and Shep, bless her, came to the immediate defense of the guys on here. Now like I said, every discussion point has its place and in the BIG picture of marital breakdown there are of course situations where abuse is a serious topic and one which needs as much support as possible given to the abused partner whether its physical or emotional. But is that what's really what’s going here with the people on this forum...NO! Absolutely not!

The guys here are the abused party and so are the kids. But like Shep said, we are a different kind. Many of us have stepped up and not only had to deal with the betrayal of our wife’s, the emotional abuse, and the attack on our pride our ego and our self esteem. We have had mountains to climb! Some of us have 100% care of our kids, we have to maintain the house and hold down our jobs. We have to do this whilst we struggle to make sense of what the hell happened to us. We get to a point where we realize that whilst everything is falling apart around us (including us) we have to stand up, hold our heads high and try to maintain our dignity, our self respect…our pride! Most of all we have to keep our kids away from the storm and protect them and help them to deal with the destruction their mother has caused. In my case three teenage boys, all three are reacting differently, all three have their own problems and all three have had their family torn apart, their safe and stable upbringing thrown up in the air all because of what? There is that question again?

What and Why?

What and Why doesn’t matter, not any more! Why? Because it just doesn’t matter...All that matters is your family, hold that together and you have won. You have survived your wife’s MLC, you have saved your family and all of a sudden the other side is in sight. The other side comes with a whole load of new problems, a future to face, a life that is so unfamiliar. But you can stand there, look it in the face, embrace it and all of a sudden you are not looking back anymore. There is a future for you…a scary one, but exciting at the same time.

Last Monday was my eldest sons 18th Birthday. The Friday before his mum took him shopping and bought him some clothes. On Saturday I hosted a party at my house for him and his friends ... 40 17/18 year olds. Yep, the house was a mess the next day. But it was so good to see my boy with all his mates, many of whom i have known since they were knee high to a grasshopper. Best bit, I was included, welcomed by the lot of them, and my boy wanted it no other way.

Monday came and I took him down the local pub to buy him his first beer before heading home to cook up a meal for him and all my family ... four generations including my 95 year old Nan. What a night??? My gift to him was a photo collage that I put together. 150 photos scanned in of his first 18 years printed onto a canvass and framed. Not a dry eye in the house when it was presented and my Nan was the first to break down. She never cries and when I asked if she was ok she just said I'm so proud of you son ... priceless! My pride, self esteem and ego restored by a 95 year old lady. She then said, all you need is your boys right now...no matter what you might want, they are all you need and they need you. Your time will come I promise you?

That blew me away!

Next day I found out from my X that on the night of my sons 18th birthday she had spent the night in her OM's house all on her own. He had gone out for the night...what a star! She said to me she cried all night and all she could hear was the sound of my boy’s voice when he was a nipper. She said - this just keeps getting harder and harder.

Funny that??? For me it just keeps getting easier (still hard, but definitely easier).

That leads me to my final paragraph. I have been divorced for 12 months now but the financial settlement hasn’t been finalized. This week I got the green light on the last stumbling block - the mortgage. My mortgage company has at last agreed to send out the paperwork to transfer the deeds into my name. The end is in sight. I have 100% custody of my lovely boys, I have my 5 bed house, my dog, my car, my pension and all my business assets. Sure i take on all the debts but I’d have had them anyway.

She gets from me £15K (roughly $25K) and she has to repay £5K of that to her sister for money she borrowed last year. She is totally dependant on OM for a roof over her head (she doesn’t earn enough to even rent a one bed flat) , she has no car ( has to use his run down crashed up 6 year old Audi) so is dependant on him to let her use the car to come see the kids (who could care less). She has no pension, no inheritance chain, ZIP.

Worst of all she has lost the respect of her friends, her close knit (now falling apart) family. She has lost her best friend in me and her boys, the history, the memories that go with that. She has a man who IS a player. She thinks she can change him. This is a man who was sleeping with three women during his affair with my X, one of whom was married.

I could go on.

But he is worth it ... She loves him, they are soul mates.

So! To summarize guys! Life on the other side as it starts again........LOOKS PRETTY GOOD. Not easy, scary of course, but I have everything I need and want.

One day I’ll share that with another woman ... maybe / maybe not…

I hope that reading this helps someone? LBS or MLC woman, to understand where this goes…if it was good it can be good again. The grass CAN be greener....but for sure...it ain’t on the other side of the fence...it’s the grass you’re already stood in.

Good luck you all

ODAAT

Please visit the forum to read the thread and other insightful responses to what ODAAT wrote here...there is HOPE in what he is saying.
Women in MLC Forum

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Fathers4Justice

09/27/2010

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Fathers4Justice
Please check out this website to learn more about Fathers who are fighting for justice in their child custody cases in the United Kingdom...around the world....at http://www.fathers-4-justice.org/