HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO CALL IT QUITS? One of the questions I'm most frequently asked is, “How do you know when it's time to quit?” Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness, and in terms of when to give up on your marriage, here's what I recommend. If divorcing is a consideration for you from a moral perspective, then before you go that route, try first for at least one year. Did you hear that? Try for at least one year! And I mean REALLY try. You can always call it quits. You always have that option. But once you pull that trigger, it's over. No more chances. Your life will never be the same. Do you have kids? If you do, their life will never be the same. If you end your marriage, you don't want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind. You don't ever want to look back and wonder if things could have been different. You don't want to ask yourself, “What if this…and what if that…what if I tried this…what if I did that?” If you have to end your marriage, you want to know DEEP IN YOUR HEART that you did everything you could to make it work. If you have to end it, you want to be able to move on with your life and into another relationship with a clear head. You want to come to a place of healthy “completion.” THIS IS CRUCIAL! And to accomplish this, in my experience, it takes at least one year. I know it probably seems like a long time, but it's an investment in the rest of your life. Here's the key point. Listen carefully. It's a good investment for the rest of your life WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS OR NOT. Obviously, it's a good investment if you turn your marriage around. But if you don't, it will NOT have been a wasted year. It will have been the most important thing you could have done with that year because of how your effort will impact the rest of your life AND YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP. I have seen too many cases of spouses ending their marriage prematurely, and as result of not reaching “completion” in one relationship, they find themselves in the same situation a few years later with someone else. The work I do with marriage coaching clients sometimes turns out to be more beneficial for them in their next relationship than in their current one. I remember once when the marriage of someone who registered for the Lone Ranger track of the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp ended in the middle of the program. This man asked me if he should continue with the final 3 weeks of the program. I said, “Absolutely.” He responded, “Why? What's the point? My marriage is over.” “You're not doing it for this marriage,” I explained. “You're doing it for the benefit of your next one.” Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your intention while you're working on your marriage should be for the benefit of your life after your marriage. Your intention needs to be to restore your CURRENT relationship. But if you fail, your effort will NOT have been for naught. Bottom line is this. If you're asking, “When is it time to call it quits?” The answer is: one year after you think you're done. If after one year of trying everything in your power to make your marriage work you're still miserable, then you should consider moving on. Until then, hang in there and don't give up. This topic reminds me of my situation many years ago. I remember learning late one night that my wife had an appointment with a divorce attorney the next morning. We were hours from “done.” Who would have ever thought that we could turn things around at that point? It's NEVER too late! In fact (and here's real food for thought), very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom. Sometimes it's not until things couldn't get worse that they can get better. I wish you and your spouse the best. If you’d like further information to help with your marriage, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report "7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, go here: Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness It’s FREE. Mort Fertel Author of Marriage Fitness Marriage Coach Add Comment A NOBLE Poem by Kipling 03/25/2011
 ♥♥♥ IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!' If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, ' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son! IF by Rudyard Kipling Life on the Other side of the MLC Storm 12/02/2010
 After the Storm The following article was posted at the Women in MLC Forum by a long time member and is probably the best testimony to what our mission and goal is at the forum. Thank you ODAAT for sharing and being so candid. Please read the comments and responses that followed after this post. Women in MLC Forum I don’t post on this forum nor PP (both of which I found about 18 months ago) that much anymore. It’s really hard seeing my story played out time and time again with new guys as they find their way to these sites and start asking the same questions, questions that have no answers, no solutions….no fixes. But thank god for these forums, the stellar advice and support from people like Shep and the vets that have walked the walk, saved my sanity and helped me to get some perspective and learn that what is happening to me and my family was NOT about me or my marriage. Sometimes and quite rightly so, some of these threads go off on tangents and the point gets lost in the dialogue. As I say, that is fine, it is good to explore and consider other opinions. But, sometimes I wonder if we (and I'm talking about the LBS (guys) here)) forget the true purpose of these forums that the end goal, the true objective ... is to get to the other side: ….To get to the other side with your sanity, health, finances and family in tact....with or without your wife. I was prompted to say this because a recent post really got my back up. The topic of abuse came up and Shep, bless her, came to the immediate defense of the guys on here. Now like I said, every discussion point has its place and in the BIG picture of marital breakdown there are of course situations where abuse is a serious topic and one which needs as much support as possible given to the abused partner whether its physical or emotional. But is that what's really what’s going here with the people on this forum...NO! Absolutely not! The guys here are the abused party and so are the kids. But like Shep said, we are a different kind. Many of us have stepped up and not only had to deal with the betrayal of our wife’s, the emotional abuse, and the attack on our pride our ego and our self esteem. We have had mountains to climb! Some of us have 100% care of our kids, we have to maintain the house and hold down our jobs. We have to do this whilst we struggle to make sense of what the hell happened to us. We get to a point where we realize that whilst everything is falling apart around us (including us) we have to stand up, hold our heads high and try to maintain our dignity, our self respect…our pride! Most of all we have to keep our kids away from the storm and protect them and help them to deal with the destruction their mother has caused. In my case three teenage boys, all three are reacting differently, all three have their own problems and all three have had their family torn apart, their safe and stable upbringing thrown up in the air all because of what? There is that question again? What and Why? What and Why doesn’t matter, not any more! Why? Because it just doesn’t matter...All that matters is your family, hold that together and you have won. You have survived your wife’s MLC, you have saved your family and all of a sudden the other side is in sight. The other side comes with a whole load of new problems, a future to face, a life that is so unfamiliar. But you can stand there, look it in the face, embrace it and all of a sudden you are not looking back anymore. There is a future for you…a scary one, but exciting at the same time. Last Monday was my eldest sons 18th Birthday. The Friday before his mum took him shopping and bought him some clothes. On Saturday I hosted a party at my house for him and his friends ... 40 17/18 year olds. Yep, the house was a mess the next day. But it was so good to see my boy with all his mates, many of whom i have known since they were knee high to a grasshopper. Best bit, I was included, welcomed by the lot of them, and my boy wanted it no other way. Monday came and I took him down the local pub to buy him his first beer before heading home to cook up a meal for him and all my family ... four generations including my 95 year old Nan. What a night??? My gift to him was a photo collage that I put together. 150 photos scanned in of his first 18 years printed onto a canvass and framed. Not a dry eye in the house when it was presented and my Nan was the first to break down. She never cries and when I asked if she was ok she just said I'm so proud of you son ... priceless! My pride, self esteem and ego restored by a 95 year old lady. She then said, all you need is your boys right now...no matter what you might want, they are all you need and they need you. Your time will come I promise you? That blew me away! Next day I found out from my X that on the night of my sons 18th birthday she had spent the night in her OM's house all on her own. He had gone out for the night...what a star! She said to me she cried all night and all she could hear was the sound of my boy’s voice when he was a nipper. She said - this just keeps getting harder and harder. Funny that??? For me it just keeps getting easier (still hard, but definitely easier). That leads me to my final paragraph. I have been divorced for 12 months now but the financial settlement hasn’t been finalized. This week I got the green light on the last stumbling block - the mortgage. My mortgage company has at last agreed to send out the paperwork to transfer the deeds into my name. The end is in sight. I have 100% custody of my lovely boys, I have my 5 bed house, my dog, my car, my pension and all my business assets. Sure i take on all the debts but I’d have had them anyway. She gets from me £15K (roughly $25K) and she has to repay £5K of that to her sister for money she borrowed last year. She is totally dependant on OM for a roof over her head (she doesn’t earn enough to even rent a one bed flat) , she has no car ( has to use his run down crashed up 6 year old Audi) so is dependant on him to let her use the car to come see the kids (who could care less). She has no pension, no inheritance chain, ZIP. Worst of all she has lost the respect of her friends, her close knit (now falling apart) family. She has lost her best friend in me and her boys, the history, the memories that go with that. She has a man who IS a player. She thinks she can change him. This is a man who was sleeping with three women during his affair with my X, one of whom was married. I could go on. But he is worth it ... She loves him, they are soul mates. So! To summarize guys! Life on the other side as it starts again........LOOKS PRETTY GOOD. Not easy, scary of course, but I have everything I need and want. One day I’ll share that with another woman ... maybe / maybe not… I hope that reading this helps someone? LBS or MLC woman, to understand where this goes…if it was good it can be good again. The grass CAN be greener....but for sure...it ain’t on the other side of the fence...it’s the grass you’re already stood in. Good luck you all ODAAT Please visit the forum to read the thread and other insightful responses to what ODAAT wrote here...there is HOPE in what he is saying. Women in MLC Forum Handling Anger in a Healthy Way 10/15/2010
 Handling Anger in a Healthy Way
Uncontrolled anger can destroy your marriage! Dr. All of us get angry when we feel that we have been wronged. Feeling angry is not sinful, but how you respond may be. In Ephesians 4:26 we read: "Being angry, sin not, don't let the sun go down on your anger." We are responsible for controlling our behavior. The husband or wife who lashes out in anger with harsh words or hurtful behavior is sinning. The first step in learning to control your anger is to restrain your immediate response. Count to 100 before you do anything. Take a walk around the block. Go water your flowers. Do something to stop the flow of hurtful words or abusive behavior. Take a "time out" and you're less likely to sin. Many marriages have been destroyed by uncontrolled anger. The feeling of anger is not sinful. Even God feels anger. Great social reforms have been motivated by anger. But uncontrolled anger has destroyed the lives of thousands. If you feel angry, admit it, and ask God to help you take positive action. One constructive step is to ask: Am I angry because someone sinned against me? Or, because I did not get what I wanted? If someone sinned, you should be angry. That is godly anger. However, much of our anger is distorted - things simply did not go our way. If this is the case, we need to confess our selfish response, accept God's forgiveness and release our anger to Him. If someone sins against us, it's natural to get angry! Even God get's angry when people sin. He moves out in love to convict, discipline, and correct. Should we do less?  HOW DO YOU GET OVER YOUR PAST (AND PAST YOUR MARRIAGE PROBLEMS)
Are you hurting? Has your spouse neglected you? Rejected you? Emotionally abused you? Are you struggling to get over the pain of an affair? Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness. If you’re having marital trouble, the chances are good that you need to put some hurt behind you. It’s one of the most common questions I get. “Mort, I want to make my marriage work. But how do I get over the past?” Here’s the key. The first step is to realize what you’re REALLY trying to accomplish. What does it REALLY mean to get over the past? You can’t change what happened. There’s no time machine that can send you back to relive the past. What’s done is done. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that your situation is hopeless. What I’m saying is that you first have to be clear about what you can and cannot change. You CAN get over your past (as I’ll explain). But you canNOT change events that already occurred. The good news though is that you don’t have to change the past in order to get over it. What you have to change is the MEANING of the past. Think for a moment. Was there ever a time in your life when something horrible happened and you thought, “Why is this happening to me?” Your marriage license didn’t come with a manual to help you navigate through challenging marital troubles—especially those that are related to dealing with a spouse’s infidelity. After the affair, you are faced with what may seem insurmountable problems. So, are you dealing with the infidelity, or trying to shove it away because the pain is just too great? In this blog, you will learn the 3 phases you will need to work through to recover from—and survive—infidelity. Devastated by the Affair, What Should You Do? You just found out you are married to a cheater. It may feel as if the world just came crashing down upon you. Now what? To find out about your spouse’s cheating is one of the most wrenching, emotionally-devastating events that can happen in a marriage—ranked up there with the death of a spouse. A common reaction from the cheating victim is, “I don’t know what to do.” What should you do first? Again, there was no marriage help manual provided at the altar. But here you are, trying to pick up what can feel like the shredded remnants of your life after you’ve had the wind knocked out of you. And infidelity truly shreds everything that was once whole: your relationship with and trust in your spouse, your sense of peace, your self-esteem, and your thoughts . It can be extremely overwhelming, especially since you have more going on than just tending your relationship. No doubt you are trying to run your household, take care of family members, and work, too—while in excruciating psychological and emotional pain. Most of us, when in pain, want a way to turn it off, immediately. But in the case of infidelity, the wounds run deep, and there is no quick fix. In an effort to escape the pain, you may have thoughts such as: “I’ll pack a bag and leave tonight,” or, “I’ll pick his bag and make him leave this afternoon!” While this may seem a reasonable response to an extremely unreasonable set of circumstances brought about by your spouse’s cheating, it does not actually help you to heal from this pain. After learning of the affair, you may not know exactly where to begin the healing process, but I want to give you a broad-based plan so you can break the process down into more manageable phases. Most people experiencing a crisis feel better with a working plan. It’s concrete, it’s logical—and it’s something solid to hold onto in an uncertain, emotionally-wrought time. Here are the 3 phases you need to know to help you survive infidelity and heal from the pain. Phase 1: The Cheating Victim: Your Pain Comes First Healing in the marriage can’t come until you have looked after yourself first. As has been emphasized in previous blogs, if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have an easy time taking care of anything or anyone else. If you want to survive infidelity, you first need to address the onslaught of thoughts and emotions that are overwhelming you. If you don’t have a firm internal foundation, you will be unable to rebuild a firm foundation in your marriage. As we have discussed in previous blogs—and will continue to address in future weeks—you have to deal with the negative impact of your spouse’s cheating actions. This includes effectively handling all of those negative thoughts and emotions, images of the affair, and self-doubts until you begin to feel some semblance of internal peace again. Putting solid ground down internally will strengthen your ability to put one down externally in phase two. Phase 2: The Couple in Crisis: Begin Working—and Healing—Together This is as challenging a phase as the first one in which you work on yourself—perhaps even more so. In phase 2, you need to work on communicating effectively with your spouse. No doubt, the early stages of this phase will feel very strained. You may have a lot of anger, and find yourself lashing out at your spouse, and your spouse’s response may be the silent treatment as retaliation for the discomfort he or she may feel over what they have done to your marriage. It will take effort on the part of you and your spouse to work together on your communication skills, and for you as the victim, to feel some sense of trust that your partner is truly committed to this process. There will be lapses into negative thoughts as you begin to work with your spouse, but it doesn’t mean your internal foundation is at risk—it’s just being challenged by the rawness of communicating after the devastation of the affair. Phase 3: Rebuild Your Marriage Once you and your spouse are in a place of being able to communicate again, when these talks can be characterized as more positive in nature rather than angry outbursts and recriminations, you are ready to begin rebuilding the foundation of your marriage. It is in this phase that you will work on transparency and building trust again. In essence, you are wiping clean the way things have “always been done” in your marriage, and recreating a stronger foundation with very clear-cut, defined rules. The work of a marriage never stops, so this phase will move from a period of rebuilding to one in which you are continuously solidifying. There will even be occasions where you step back into the first two phases, so don’t be thrown off your end goal, which is surviving infidelity. I would like to hear from you about your experiences in healing from and surviving infidelity … Does it help to think of recovering from infidelity in terms of a phased plan? If you are further along in the healing process, have you found yourself slipping back on occasion to an earlier phase? What triggered a return to that phase? Do you feel stronger today than you did the day after learning your spouse cheated? Does this give you hope that you will grow stronger yet? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below. Article from MarriageSherpa Affiliates  Fathers4Justice 09/27/2010
Fathers4Justice Please check out this website to learn more about Fathers who are fighting for justice in their child custody cases in the United Kingdom...around the world....at http://www.fathers-4-justice.org/ Men of Honor 09/14/2010
 All men with honour are kings, but not all kings have honour. Honour is what no man can give you and none can take away. Honour is a gift man gives himself. Women are the heart of honour, and we cherish and protect it in them. You must never mistreat a woman or malign a man, nor stand by and see another do so. How do you know if you have it? Never worry on the getting of it. It grows in you and speaks to you. All you need do is listen...." from the Movie Rob Roy For more help and encouragement Please go to Women in MLC Forum | Survival Guide
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